


Magnus Without Alec

by SamuelJames



Series: Alec & Magnus [7]
Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sonnet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 05:45:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6942238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamuelJames/pseuds/SamuelJames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus tries to sort through his husband's things but finds it difficult.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Magnus Without Alec

**Author's Note:**

> _**Title:** Magnus Without Alec_   
>  _**Characters/Pairings:** Magnus Bane (References Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood  & Clary Fray/Jace Lightwood. Mentions of Lightwood and Lightwood-Bane family members.)_   
>  _**Rating:** G_   
>  _**Summary:** Magnus tries to sort through his husband's things but finds it difficult._   
>  _**Disclaimer:** This transformative work has been created purely for entertainment purposes. No profit is made or sought. No copyright infringement is intended._   
>  _**Archiving Information:** Please do not archive elsewhere on the net or in other formats/languages._

There are baskets in a neat row to help with the sorting, things to donate and things to discard. Two jackets have made it to the donate basket because Alec was kind and Magnus knows his husband would like the idea of them going to someone who might need them. He opened the closet doors over an hour ago and it's all he's been able to bring himself to remove. Maybe he can come back to the clothes later.

Magnus has been going in a lap of their home in the mistaken belief that he'll find some easy task that he can actually see through to the end. He's gotten their junk drawer sorted to distract himself and the bathroom mirror has never been cleaner but there must be something that won't drive him to despair. He looks at the nightstand where Alec's books are piled high, best-sellers mixed with non-fiction and reprints of ancient spiritual texts. The boys should have Alec's books, that'll be easier he thinks to just share them with his children rather than face donating them. Magnus takes the stack and sits on the floor to sort them. There's a receipt from a coffee shop from over five years ago masquerading as a bookmark in the first thriller. The print has faded on the exposed part but the rest tells Magnus, Alec had a cappuccino and a blueberry muffin. He sets the receipt aside and picks up _Road To Runes_ , a gloriously trashy novel about skilled supernatural hunters who use runes to aid their quests. The author is a nom de plume but some details are so specific that it has to have been a Shadowhunter or someone who knows one. He and Alec had made one another laugh with dramatic readings of implausible action scenes that again have just enough detail to show the author's knowledge but have been exaggerated to a ridiculous degree. He can't see either of his sons wanting this so maybe he can keep that one.

The next book is a medical one, a guide to diagnoses and diagnostic techniques. Alec had hoped, they'd all hoped, that the doctors had gotten something wrong that there was some other test to be run. Magnus pulls out the envelope marking Alec's place in the book.

At the top is a shopping list, its contents giving no clue as to the date.

 _Strawberries_  
_Apple juice_  
_Eyeliner_  
_Pringles for Rafe (sour-cream)_  
_~~Milk~~_  
_Cotton rounds & Olay cleanser_  
_Max's OJ (green label) & Magnus' OJ_  
_Macaroni_  
_Pecan ice-cream_

It must have been a night they were having the boys over for dinner. Max hated pulp in his orange juice and they loved Alec's mac and cheese. Magnus would have baked cookies to go with the ice-cream, he and Alec loving to cook for their sons and spend time with them. There's a line under the list and then a poem.

 _My dreams used to feature a beautiful blond,_  
_By day I kept my desires suppressed._  
_It was enough to be joined and have that bond,_  
_And train alongside him to be the best._  
_I expected to live my life hiding away,_  
_Pretending that being a hunter was the way to be._  
_I was terrified of being openly gay,_  
_Then you showed up so flirty and so into me,_  
_Magnus you lit up my dark world with a smile,_  
_Terrifying and thrilling in equal measure._  
_I kissed you in Idris instead of running a mile,_  
_A memory I've always treasured._  
_I know you'll grieve when I have to go, but please don't hide for long._  
_There could be someone else just like me, feeling that they don't belong._

Magnus looks at the lists of words where his husband had obviously tried to find rhymes; smile, tile, bile, file, beguile. There were a whole list to rhyme with again, something which must not have made it into writing. He brushes away a tear. Alec's poetic efforts weren't magazine worthy but it was more words from the man he'd lost just two months ago, any little thing was everything and Alec must have written this after the word terminal had been uttered by a kindly doctor who took no pleasure in ripping their remaining hopes to shreds. They'd had many conversations about the spontaneous kiss in Idris and how Alec had foreseen a life of denial ahead of him but it didn't matter to Magnus that their conversations had been recycled into verse. He wonders if Alec meant him to have this, perhaps rewritten so his cramped writing wasn't sharing space with a list of what they needed at the store.

Clary and Jace had taken the boys out for dinner, grown men really, but they would always be his boys - never seeming more vulnerable than when they'd broken down at Alec's bedside after Alec slipped away. Magnus had fully intended to sort some things today but it seemed even the books were beyond him now. Everything is still too raw and everything matters; receipts in Alec's wallet, his favorite beer in the fridge. His preferred brand of mouthwash which is gross will sit in the bathroom unused. As Alec had grown older, black t-shirts had given way to black shirts, slacks hung alongside dark jeans and in his side of the closet were occasional pops of color. Magnus had teased, but only gently, when Alec arrived home one day after his 42nd or was it 43rd birthday with a dark green shirt. They really should go to help others but Magnus can't face that yet, doesn't want to have more space for his things or see emptiness when he opens the doors. Coping with having the bed to himself is something he's just about dealing with, the living room couch having been his temporary bed for a while.

Rafael and Max had fought two days after Alec's death when Max pointed out there was no point in washing their dad's clothes as he wouldn't need them. Rafe had snapped at him angrily, telling him not to upset their papa. They'd need one another more than ever, need their aunts and uncles. Magnus has known loss far too many times but it never gets easier to deal with and his beautiful Alexander was not just one in a long line of people. They had created a life together and had a family. Though he loves his sons dearly, he can't stop them hurting or missing their father. His love is only half of what made them the men they are today and this loss is like a hole in their world. Alec had been buried on a too bright Tuesday morning with their sons either side of Magnus squeezing his hands. He remembers clearly catching Izzy's eye and noticing how lost she looked, flanked by a supportive Simon and stoic Jace who was struggling with the severing of the parabatai bond. Clary had gotten him through it, is still getting him through it. Some parts of that day are a blur to Magnus but his beloved was loved by so many people and Magnus will never forget the regard in which Alec was held.

Magnus tucks the envelope back into the book for safekeeping. The poem gives Alec's side of things, how Magnus came into his life and provided hope but not what he did for Magnus, showing him that life is worth living - living as opposed to merely continuing to exist. Alec's appearance in his life sparked an interest that he hadn't felt in a long time. They had their moments when it felt like they were derailing and might never right themselves again but they had reunited and Magnus doesn't regret a moment of his time with his husband. He closes his hand round the ring on the chain round his neck. Alec's wedding band has been next to his heart since the hospital removed it, handing it over in a plastic bag like it was evidence.

Looking at the wedding pictures seems like the worst idea ever but it's clearly that kind of day. He makes his way to the living room and finds his tablet. The first picture has always been his favorite, he and Alec facing one another to exchange vows. There are ones of them kissing, smiling, dancing but the promises they made one another meant the world to Magnus. He clicks through the album and finds one of Alec dancing with Izzy, not a bad mover despite insisting he couldn't dance. Jace is next to them dipping Clary dramatically. In the background Magnus is at a table with Maryse who is out of shot. His in-laws weren't always the easiest to get along with but he was glad she and Robert attended for Alec's sake. There are more of Izzy and Clary laughing as they did some choreographed routine and then the one of he and Alec posing with cheesy smiles, he knows Alec whispered something filthy in his ear right after but he can't remember what it was exactly. Magnus speaks a few words and clicks his fingers, summoning the bottle of whiskey from across the room. There's nobody here to pretend to be okay for so he can get drunk and cry for his lost love as much as he wants.


End file.
